Goodbye Blue Sky
by Kikaiyu
Summary: Shana was used to being alone, and in her silence, her thoughts were free to consume her and corrupt her... [pleeeeease, look past the fact that it's Shana, this is NOT the Shana stereotype! ~begs~]


_Disclaimer: Shana, Dart, and all other things owned by Sony are owned by Sony. _

_A/N: I don't know where the inspiration for this story came from. Originally, it was simply going to be an angst story that occurred to me while listening to one of my favorite SOAD songs, Goodbye blue sky. But the weird twist of making Shana a sadist crossed my mind, and I thought that it was a bit more creative. _

_Anyway, the story takes place somewhere around the same time as when Dart and the others fight Lloyd in Vellweb, and Shana is captured by Diaz._

_**___

I live a life of memories. They entwine my heart - they hold me, they constrict me. With the simple joys they bring to my soul, they torture me. I desire them so strongly that nothing in my life seems real anymore.

They rape my mind. 

I sigh, and pull absently on my restraints, as if making sure they still cage me. As the hours brush past me, like hurried pedestrians on the winds of life, I no longer feel like I live. Surely, in this state of frozen anxiety, there is only thought and inner pain. 

I wish I had been more. Why am I so weak? Why am I cursed to frailty?

I wish I were a battle-hardened warrior. Maybe I could be with You right now, if I were more than a feeble little girl. All I want is to be by Your side, and to fight as your trusted companion.

Oh Dart…you don't believe in me. You don't know my strength.

You don't know how I bleed.

I remember the days in Seles, where you and me where so close. I'd always assumed that you thought I was more. I'd always assumed that things like strength didn't separate us.

And then came the later years, when I was older. You were always rushing into things, acting so brave.

A small smile forces itself onto my face, the smile of deception.

How could you have known how I felt, as those dark, morbid thoughts crossed my brain? If I had told you that I dreamed of blood, would you believe me?

You think I'm a child. Even then, when we were children, you thought that you were my savior.

You didn't know that I believed the opposite. I was different then you. I was different then all of them.

I became a masochist. I had become someone I hated, and I wanted to get rid of that part of me. I wanted to bleed until it went away. 

Twin scars line my wrists were I drew a blade across them. I have scars on my arms where I once clawed through the flesh, fueled by my illness. I wonder how you would react if you saw them?

You all think I'm deadweight. But I know my strength; it's not strength of body but the strength of my curse. It's the strength of the voice within me that lusts for agony to feed its empty desires.

I look around me, and, as always, the sight of the shadowy chamber sucks away the flashes of hope that I feed on, hungry as a beast. 

When I held the dragon's spirit in my hand, I felt like I had found my calling. With the power hidden deep in its enigmatic core, it could make me worthy of you. I could help you in your quests, and I could finally convince you that I was not what I appeared – and maybe, finally, win your heart.

Then, it rejected me. And it found a better bearer.

Can words describe the shame? The sorrow that filled me as I realized that nothing in my life could make me happy. It's not my fate to be happy; I'm fated to continue hurting until I tear myself apart, weeping tears of blood as I am consumed by my insanity.

Even now, as I try and be alone with my melancholic thoughts, the voice is whispering. It's telling me to wait for the dragoon of the flame.

It's telling me to kill you, Dart.

I wonder if I could go through with it. Thinking of you makes me so confused. A part of me wants to make you hurt, as I have hurted my whole life, for leaving me…betraying me…

But when you're around me, all I want is you. I feel like, if you are there, I can maybe find release from this pressure. It's not a physical need – it's so much more than that. You consume me, Dart. You drown me. And you are the reason I cry.

But not now. Right now, I want you to burn.

Because I was right. 

When the dragoon spirit left me for the blond wench from Mille Seseau, it took out a part of my soul; it left me empty and broken. Surely, any other person would have fell in front of that anguish, but I prevailed. But you thought that I suffered because of my weakness, and you left me there in the Crystal Palace to rot or to simply fade away and leave you alone. You couldn't stand the thought of _listening _to me. Because all you want is strength, and after all, I'm just your little sister…

You want someone like Rose. Do you know how it broke my heart when you fell from the Queen Fury, and after desperate searching, I found you and Rose in a cave, close as lovers after you surely indulged in the bodily pleasures of that gothic witch? You swear that it was not so, but I'm sure it's the pleading of a man who simply values his pride. You probably never even thought of me, as I put off sleep, food, and shelter to seek out your safety.

And now, here I am. Taken in the clutches of a dark plotter who calls himself Diaz, simply because you couldn't identify the difference between wound and weakness. I wonder if you have forgotten me already. It's likely. Surely I cannot offer you the fiery pleasures that the dark dragoon gives you.

Do you know that I walked into Diaz's beckoning? He came for me, and I followed, because I knew that if I had nothing left in my life, I might as well help this stranger, this ally of the silver-haired one.

Diaz has told me that Lloyd will return soon with the Moon Object. Perhaps I will serve him, as that unfortunate Lenus woman had. She followed him out of pure, undying love, but I will follow him because he can offer me revenge. 

And revenge, my dearest Dart, is sweet.

I wonder how I will sway him? I have much to offer, things that you so obliviously passed over, dearest. He searched out for me before, so why not make it easy and just give myself away? 

A small laugh escapes my throat. 

Or maybe I will honor Lenus's memory, and I'll seduce him, and bend him to my will so that he is my puppet for my vengeance. I could never love the man, as I know I will love no other again, but love does not always have to be a factor.

I wonder how much you would suffer, Dart, if you saw what it was you passed up?

But now, I must bide my time. I must wait until Lloyd returns, and after that, I will be free to make you bleed.

Of course, another part of me if fully aware that these horrible thoughts are simply the desires of the Voice, who works his will through me. It has taken away my freedom to gaze to the blue skies. It has stolen me. But, as I sit in this prison, I realize that the voice is not my enemy. It is as much a part of me as everything else.

So I have a choice. Will I let myself live on this way, bumbling around in the darkness in the search for hope? 

Or will I embrace the voice, and let it's promise of sadistic pleasure be the force that carries me?

One thing is clear. The happy memories are over, Dart. I wish it was not so, but the joy-filled bliss of our past is gone.

Goodbye, blue sky.


End file.
